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When Should Parents Let Go? Establishing Healthy Parent-Child Boundaries

Prayer for Emotional Healing

22 Feb

Parenting is a marathon and not a sprint so we go all in. But when should parents let go?

Unlike a major athletic event though, we get close to zero training time. Though there are a lot of us running side by side, there isn’t a crowd of bystanders cheering us on. We can study up and ask around, but until we’ve assumed the role, the level of involvement can sound a bit “extra“.

Without experiencing that protective love firsthand, there’s no way to anticipate how we’ll react. Even still, as we decide we’re not going to do it like the rest of parents, I would wager there aren’t many who start out asking, “When should parents let go?” Seems a bit grim and cart before the horse.

As we navigate the preparation and work to manage our expectations, we get a lot of conflicting advice. Many of us decide everyone is well-meaning but clearly flawed, so we go about figuring it out on our own. A whole new set of trials and triumphs result just during the time we’re anticipating our first new addition to the family. During that time, we throw ourselves fully into the task of bettering ourselves for the role so we’ll be more likely to achieve perfect scores and be more helpful than everyone else was for us.

Maybe this stepping out on our own to blaze a new path is helpful training ground, eventually leading us toward being able to confidently answer the question “when should parents let go?“.

When Should Parents Let Go?

Contents hide
When Should Parents Let Go?
Why Healthy Parent-Child Boundaries Are Important
Stop Comparing Your Child To Others
Personal and Spiritual Growth
Find Freedom in Letting Go and Trusting God

First, let’s clarify what “letting go” as a parent means.

It is not flipping a switch on your levels of caring about your child. Nor is it an across the board sink or swim approach, though that may be what’s needed for a season.

Letting go from a parent’s perspective is reconciling that your child, regardless of age, is here to serve a predestined purpose that may not line up with your original dreams for their life. By “letting go”, we behold this gift who bears God’s image and acknowledge they were intentionally created for His plans, purpose and glory rather than our own.

So, when should parents let go? In short, when you sense you’re getting in the way of who God created your child to be. Clearly, this isn’t intentional, but as dreamers and creators, we plan and anticipate a specific path for our kids. Dreaming and hoping for our kids is certainly a normal and a very dear part of parenting. In the process of making our plans, however, we must be certain to trust God with the steps.

“A man’s heart plans his way, But the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9 (NKJV)

Why Healthy Parent-Child Boundaries Are Important

As a rule of thumb, kids push against boundaries. It’s part of the learning process and sometimes they just aren’t mature enough to recognize that a boundary even exists. When kids cross a boundary, if I’m in need of extra space and especially before coffee, I’d be tempted to answer “this very second. Right. Now.” to anyone who wistfully wondered when should parents let go?

On the other hand, as parents, we’re often led for a number of reasons to cross the line of advising and providing loving guidance to performing total overhauls to “fix” situations and eradicate any hint of pain for our children.  Protection is instinctual but there is a fine line between loving and standing in the way of natural consequences that our children so desperately need for personal and spiritual growth.

Releasing your child to God automatically establishes a healthy parent-child boundary.

Stop Comparing Your Child To Others

Having healthy parent-child boundaries helps you stop comparing your child to others.

With boundaries set for ourselves in how we react to our own child’s ups and downs, we can more readily retract our controlling behaviors. Kids have just as much of a God-given purpose as we do. They were knit together on purpose with the beautiful threads that make them unique.

Seeing our kids and those they’re surrounded by as eternal beings with purpose, naturally leads us to ease up on the comparison! We can forgive those that aren’t as bright and shiny as our super star children. Additionally, we can love those kids that are far shinier in the one mega-frustrating category we wish we could polish up or at least cover up in our own babes. We can even be friends with their parents.

Letting our kids be themselves and showing them deep parental love that is strong and sweet, foreshadows for them the love they’ll get to know as they embark on a personal relationship with their Heavenly Father.

In letting go of this idea of impossible perfection, we become more approachable and far more relatable to others. This is something “church people” aren’t known for nearly enough.

Personal and Spiritual Growth

Letting go and trusting God is a huge factor in spiritual growth, but it’s also a big factor in personal growth.

When we surrender our hearts and submit to his ways being higher than our own, we can also enjoy the personal growth he’s doing in us. The mystery of knowing how to make your mind, body and spirit work together is greatly simplified when we take a look at how intentionally we were created.

The pieces to this mind, body, spirit connection aren’t all that separate, after all! When we recognize our fears are running the show, we need to take a breath and pray for God to guide our steps. No doubt, our kids need wisdom and encouragement in the right direction. We cannot nonchalantly say “it’s in God’s hands” and do nothing more. It’s our responsibility though to do a heart check and be sure that what we’re pushing for is indeed His will. If so, he can do so much more when we humbly request his guidance. Putting our focus on God’s will lets us share God with our kids rather than enforce God over our kids.

Answering “when should parents let go?” is far easier when we’re operating within healthy parent-child boundaries. It also allows for personal and spiritual growth for every member in our family.

Find Freedom in Letting Go and Trusting God

Don’t mistake what I’m saying! We must do our very best as parents. Part of that will be asking for forgiveness when we need it, and researching and advocating with the best of the best. Do all the things. Be all in. Mama Bear it when needed. Go that extra 500 miles.

But in the end, trusting the God that made that child and crafted them with a purpose bigger than your dreams is a freeing approach.

Inevitably, there will be a piece of the dream that doesn’t match the reality. When that happens, we have to remember he had dreams of what they’d be long before we were created. Incredibly, he saw it best to match your child to be parented by you and my child to be parented by me. There is no mistake in the make and model we’ve received. We’re already in his plan! Letting go and trusting God is simply an acknowledgement of his plans being above ours.

I recently wrote about how I learned all about releasing your child to God and what it took for me to find freedom in letting go and trusting God. Maternal instincts are strong! Sometimes they’re so strong that we have to have a real “come to Jesus” meeting with ourselves. Our God is good and gracious and his ways are above ours. He cannot be unfaithful because he cannot be untrue to himself. So no matter how high we see our kids soar or how prodigal and low they go, He is steady. We can trust him with our kids and we can be honest with him about how it makes us feel.

Pulling ourselves back to let him work fully in our kids is no small thing. It is an immeasurable gift of love!

11 Comments

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Next Post: Being Honest with God: 3 Essential Steps for Emotional Healing »

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    02/22/2019 at 7:00 pm

    So much I love/need here but especially this… “In letting go of this idea of impossible perfection, we become more approachable and far more relatable to others. This is something “church people” aren’t known for nearly enough… Incredibly, he saw it best to match your child to be parented by you and my child to be parented by me. There is no mistake in the make and model we’ve received. We’re already in his plan! Letting go and trusting God is simply an acknowledgement of his plans being above ours… Our God is good and gracious and his ways are above ours. He cannot be unfaithful because he cannot be untrue to himself. So no matter how high we see our kids soar or how prodigal and low they go, He is steady. We can trust him with our kids and we can be honest with him about how it makes us feel.” XOXO

    Reply
    • Kacy says

      02/22/2019 at 7:03 pm

      Anonymous was me 🤣❤

      Reply
      • admin says

        02/24/2019 at 4:04 pm

        Oh, good! Because I thought of you when I wrote that last line about being honest! 😘 You helped me with that!

        Reply
  2. Jessica says

    02/24/2019 at 9:23 am

    Love this gentle push and your heart behind it. “There is no mistake in the make and model we’ve received. We’re already in his plan! Letting go and trusting God is simply an acknowledgement of his plans being above ours.” Amen sister!

    Reply
    • admin says

      02/24/2019 at 4:08 pm

      Thank you! I’m definitely feeling some spirit-led surrender these days!

      Reply
  3. Cecily says

    02/25/2019 at 10:41 pm

    Rachel… what an amazing post talking about when parents should let go. I think this is such an important conversation to be having, and I love how you approached the topic!

    Reply
    • admin says

      02/28/2019 at 2:53 pm

      Thanks so much, Cecily! It’s one of those things that can sound impossibly difficult until you go all in. So thankful that once again, God shows up and does the heavy lifting on this one!

      Reply
  4. Shanique |Rock Solid Faith says

    07/05/2019 at 6:57 am

    An interesting read about when parents should let go. It may be a challenge but parents should trust that they have trained their kids up in the right way and trust them to be able to make there own decisions and learn from them. Their kids may not always do the right thing but their upbringing will be a constant reminder to them and the Holy Spirit is there with them along the way.

    Reply
    • Rachel@HolisticFaithLifestyle says

      07/05/2019 at 10:00 am

      Yes! And it is often easier said than done, but I know the Holy Spirit guides us, too!

      Reply
  5. Heather says

    07/05/2019 at 8:13 am

    I love how you included the spiritual aspect of letting our kids go. I hadn’t thought much about it, but your points are excellent!

    Reply
    • Rachel@HolisticFaithLifestyle says

      07/05/2019 at 10:01 am

      Thanks, Heather! As I’ve been focusing on surrender, I’m seeing spiritual aspects everywhere! It’s been worthwhile, for sure!

      Reply

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Hi! I'm Rachel, the writer behind Holistic Faith Lifestyle. I often find myself searching for ways to preserve presence of mind and impart some gentleness to the blink-and-you'll-miss-it pace of life.  I love sharing ways I've found to tend the mind, body, spirit connection in a way that honors God and all that is divinely created. Read More

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This is NOT AN EASY SEASON. The whole world seem This is NOT AN EASY SEASON. 

The whole world seems to be screaming 
GET MOVING. DO THE THINGS. MASTER EVERYTHING.

But we've been on GO for the holidays.
Ignoring our most basic limits.
Absorbing other people's emotions.
Putting ourselves at the bottom of the list.
And now expecting ourselves to pop right up, breaking the surface of a new year in a glorious manner, bright, shiny, and new. 

Put all that heaviness on the One who cares for you. The Source of every good gift who does not shift like the shadows. 

Despite the calendar date or the time-stamped resolutions you may have created, invite the Author & Finisher of your faith to work in the unwritten space, every one of the blanks, gaps, and in-betweens. 

Breathe easy and be blessed. 

 #holisticfaithlifestyle #christianmindfulness #newyear2023 #newyearsresolution2023 #newyearsresolution #newyearnewyou #newyearnewme #NewFaith #newfaith #renewedfaith #renewedheart #BeRenewed #berenewed #thinkonthesethings #holisticfaithlifestyle #castyourcares #castyourcaresonHim #castyourcaresongod #winterdepression #emotionalenergy #emotionalhealth #emotionalhealing #emotionalwellness #emotionalwellbeing #emotionalintelligence #mindbodyspirit #mindbodysoulwellness #SeekGod #seekgodfirst #seekgoddaily
Beloved, you are lovingly cloaked in divine song. Beloved, you are lovingly cloaked in divine song. 

Merry Christmas! And be blessed. 

#advent #adventcalendar #AdventReflections #adventreflections #christmaslove #GodsPlan #godsword #godsplan #GodsChild #Godslove #godslove #Godsloveforus #godsloveforme #godsloveforus❤️ #godsloveisamazing #godsloveneverfails #GodsloveisUnconditional #emannuel #Emanuel #Immanuel #immanuel #GodWithUs #godwithus
Snippet from Sunday’s Advent Meditation on JOY, Snippet from Sunday’s Advent Meditation on JOY, reminding you like all of God’s gifts, it isn’t something you have to create or wait for. It’s already given in your divine inheritance. 

Full Advent practices are available! Just follow the link in bio & click the FB Group button. Join for access. 💕🎄💫

#adventmeditation #adventreflections
It’s me and you the whole world over. With so mu It’s me and you the whole world over. With so much in common. 
Love thy neighbor today, beloved.  #christianmeditation #advent #adventcalendar #christianmindfulness #JoyWeek #gaudete #GaudeteSunday #Gaudete #gaudetesunday #adventreflections #adventreflection #adventrefresh #joyeverlasting #everlastingjoy #everlastingJOY #recklesslove #overwhelminglove #godislove #forgodsoloved #ForGodSoLoved #forgodsolovedtheworld #ForGodSoLovedTheWorld
A quick little preview of this week's meditation a A quick little preview of this week's meditation as an encouragement to lock down 12 minutes of stillness with your brother, Jesus. I know it's easier said than done. But so, so worth it. Especially this time of year when distractions run wild. ❤

Watch the 3-min scripture & prayer snippet here:
https://youtu.be/ofbJaTLQ4Eo

Get the full 12-minute meditation here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/492957409448230/ 

#advent #adventcalendar #advent2022 #adventmeditation #adventmeditations #adventmeditations2022 #adventreflection #adventreflections #christianmeditation #christianmeditations #christmasmeditation #adventhope #christmashope #waymaker #GODISAWAYMAKER #godisawaymaker
Not just a Waymaker, but a Path Smoother. Spirit Not just a Waymaker, but a Path Smoother. 

Spiritually speaking of course. Because that's the long game. And your God is here for the long haul. 

Join me for Advent Meditations in the Facebook Group. 

It's NOT too late. I'm releasing one per week, so it's easy to add them in and "catch up" or just start with the current week and continue from there. 

Hope to see you there! 

1. Visit the @holisticfaithlifestyle profile 
2. Click the Facebook Group button. 
3. Join the Group & use the search bar for Advent Meditations. 

#advent #advent2022 #adventreflections #adventreflection #adventweek2 #adventhope #christianmeditation #christianmeditations #christianmindfulness #waymaker #streamsinthedesert #streamsinthewasteland #messianic #tuesdaylight #TuesdayThoughts #tuesdaymotivation
Planting an amaryllis at Christmas has been on my Planting an amaryllis at Christmas has been on my agenda since reading @christynockels The Life You Long For, which my dear friend Britney @doingbusybeautifully practically demanded I make a priority. 
✨So thankful for you, Brit!✨ 

As we close out Faithfulness Week & transition into Preparation/Hope Week, it seems fitting to unwrap & throw some hydration at this stunner.
🤞🏼☺️🤞🏼

#amaryllisflower #advent #faithfulness #faithfulthenfaithfulnow #faithfulnessofgod #godsfaithfulness #greatisthyfaithfulness #christmashope #holisticfaithlifestyle #godinallthings #meetinggod #godintheordinary
Advent is one of the most intentional times of the Advent is one of the most intentional times of the year. Just naturally, all on its own. 

As you're out there accepting its invitation, let the pockets of rest you create take on a vibe of worship. This week, let it be for the faithfulness of the Ancient of Days. Your Mighty God, the Wonderful Counselor, and Waymaker who issues spiritual peace from Everlasting to Everlasting. 

Hold fast and be so very blessed this season!
 

#besttimeoftheyear #GodBlessYouAlways #ThankfulThursday #advent #adventcalendar #holisticfaith #holisticfaithlifestyle #christianmindfulness #faithful #faithfulness #FaithfulnessofGod #faithfulnessofgod #faithfulnessofourheavenlyfather #hisfaithfulness #godsfaithfulness #greatisthyfaithfulness #adventweek1 #worshipinthewaiting #TrustGod #trustgod #trusttheprocess #worthyofpraise #praiseworthy #GoodGod #goodgod #giverofgoodgifts #CreatedOnPurpose #createdonpurpose #createdonpurposeforpurpose #createdwithpurpose
Advent normalizes long, dark stretches where faith Advent normalizes long, dark stretches where faith requires intentionality. And I can’t get enough. It’s just so real and true of humanity’s ongoing story. 

There’s a Faithfulness Week snippet available on YouTube with full length Meditations for Advent happening in the Facebook Group.

You’ll find both by visiting the link in the @holisticfaithlifestyle bio. 
Shorty = YouTube button
Full Series = Facebook Group

#advent #adventcalendar #midweekmotivation #faithfulnessofgod #greatisthyfaithfulness #godsfaithfulness #evenwhenwearefaithless #mustardseed #mustardseedfaith #adventweek1 #adventreflections #adventmeditations #meditationpractice #christianmeditation #christianmindfulness
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This is NOT AN EASY SEASON. The whole world seem This is NOT AN EASY SEASON. 

The whole world seems to be screaming 
GET MOVING. DO THE THINGS. MASTER EVERYTHING.

But we've been on GO for the holidays.
Ignoring our most basic limits.
Absorbing other people's emotions.
Putting ourselves at the bottom of the list.
And now expecting ourselves to pop right up, breaking the surface of a new year in a glorious manner, bright, shiny, and new. 

Put all that heaviness on the One who cares for you. The Source of every good gift who does not shift like the shadows. 

Despite the calendar date or the time-stamped resolutions you may have created, invite the Author & Finisher of your faith to work in the unwritten space, every one of the blanks, gaps, and in-betweens. 

Breathe easy and be blessed. 

 #holisticfaithlifestyle #christianmindfulness #newyear2023 #newyearsresolution2023 #newyearsresolution #newyearnewyou #newyearnewme #NewFaith #newfaith #renewedfaith #renewedheart #BeRenewed #berenewed #thinkonthesethings #holisticfaithlifestyle #castyourcares #castyourcaresonHim #castyourcaresongod #winterdepression #emotionalenergy #emotionalhealth #emotionalhealing #emotionalwellness #emotionalwellbeing #emotionalintelligence #mindbodyspirit #mindbodysoulwellness #SeekGod #seekgodfirst #seekgoddaily
Beloved, you are lovingly cloaked in divine song. Beloved, you are lovingly cloaked in divine song. 

Merry Christmas! And be blessed. 

#advent #adventcalendar #AdventReflections #adventreflections #christmaslove #GodsPlan #godsword #godsplan #GodsChild #Godslove #godslove #Godsloveforus #godsloveforme #godsloveforus❤️ #godsloveisamazing #godsloveneverfails #GodsloveisUnconditional #emannuel #Emanuel #Immanuel #immanuel #GodWithUs #godwithus
Snippet from Sunday’s Advent Meditation on JOY, Snippet from Sunday’s Advent Meditation on JOY, reminding you like all of God’s gifts, it isn’t something you have to create or wait for. It’s already given in your divine inheritance. 

Full Advent practices are available! Just follow the link in bio & click the FB Group button. Join for access. 💕🎄💫

#adventmeditation #adventreflections
It’s me and you the whole world over. With so mu It’s me and you the whole world over. With so much in common. 
Love thy neighbor today, beloved.  #christianmeditation #advent #adventcalendar #christianmindfulness #JoyWeek #gaudete #GaudeteSunday #Gaudete #gaudetesunday #adventreflections #adventreflection #adventrefresh #joyeverlasting #everlastingjoy #everlastingJOY #recklesslove #overwhelminglove #godislove #forgodsoloved #ForGodSoLoved #forgodsolovedtheworld #ForGodSoLovedTheWorld
A quick little preview of this week's meditation a A quick little preview of this week's meditation as an encouragement to lock down 12 minutes of stillness with your brother, Jesus. I know it's easier said than done. But so, so worth it. Especially this time of year when distractions run wild. ❤

Watch the 3-min scripture & prayer snippet here:
https://youtu.be/ofbJaTLQ4Eo

Get the full 12-minute meditation here:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/492957409448230/ 

#advent #adventcalendar #advent2022 #adventmeditation #adventmeditations #adventmeditations2022 #adventreflection #adventreflections #christianmeditation #christianmeditations #christmasmeditation #adventhope #christmashope #waymaker #GODISAWAYMAKER #godisawaymaker
Not just a Waymaker, but a Path Smoother. Spirit Not just a Waymaker, but a Path Smoother. 

Spiritually speaking of course. Because that's the long game. And your God is here for the long haul. 

Join me for Advent Meditations in the Facebook Group. 

It's NOT too late. I'm releasing one per week, so it's easy to add them in and "catch up" or just start with the current week and continue from there. 

Hope to see you there! 

1. Visit the @holisticfaithlifestyle profile 
2. Click the Facebook Group button. 
3. Join the Group & use the search bar for Advent Meditations. 

#advent #advent2022 #adventreflections #adventreflection #adventweek2 #adventhope #christianmeditation #christianmeditations #christianmindfulness #waymaker #streamsinthedesert #streamsinthewasteland #messianic #tuesdaylight #TuesdayThoughts #tuesdaymotivation
Planting an amaryllis at Christmas has been on my Planting an amaryllis at Christmas has been on my agenda since reading @christynockels The Life You Long For, which my dear friend Britney @doingbusybeautifully practically demanded I make a priority. 
✨So thankful for you, Brit!✨ 

As we close out Faithfulness Week & transition into Preparation/Hope Week, it seems fitting to unwrap & throw some hydration at this stunner.
🤞🏼☺️🤞🏼

#amaryllisflower #advent #faithfulness #faithfulthenfaithfulnow #faithfulnessofgod #godsfaithfulness #greatisthyfaithfulness #christmashope #holisticfaithlifestyle #godinallthings #meetinggod #godintheordinary
Advent is one of the most intentional times of the Advent is one of the most intentional times of the year. Just naturally, all on its own. 

As you're out there accepting its invitation, let the pockets of rest you create take on a vibe of worship. This week, let it be for the faithfulness of the Ancient of Days. Your Mighty God, the Wonderful Counselor, and Waymaker who issues spiritual peace from Everlasting to Everlasting. 

Hold fast and be so very blessed this season!
 

#besttimeoftheyear #GodBlessYouAlways #ThankfulThursday #advent #adventcalendar #holisticfaith #holisticfaithlifestyle #christianmindfulness #faithful #faithfulness #FaithfulnessofGod #faithfulnessofgod #faithfulnessofourheavenlyfather #hisfaithfulness #godsfaithfulness #greatisthyfaithfulness #adventweek1 #worshipinthewaiting #TrustGod #trustgod #trusttheprocess #worthyofpraise #praiseworthy #GoodGod #goodgod #giverofgoodgifts #CreatedOnPurpose #createdonpurpose #createdonpurposeforpurpose #createdwithpurpose

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